Hopeless

I seriously think that one day I'll end up waking breathless, crazy, and with no sense of direction... I even think I'll end up in a maniac hospital with no hope of returning home... Yes, I'm losing it, slowly, slowly... My nerve cells are fading... Why? I wish it was physiological, but no, it's psychological...
So who's behind all this mess? I think you've guessed right... That same old person... That abusive same old person... That selfish same old person... That irritating same old person... Mother, you're killing your own daughter... You're metaphorically holding a hammer and squashing her skull and brain... Mother, I LOVE you and I HATE you at the same time... I love you for the old nice memories you've given me... I hate you for making me lose control over everything... Do you really enjoy seeing me in this mess? Do you really think what you're doing is going to help? Did you ever consider that this is only making things worse?! Do you even think at all?!
I seriously just want to grab any close dagger and stab myself straight into my heart, or hold a pistol and point to my brain then shoot... Every time, Mother, when you put me in these situations, I'd end up under my blanket with my room locked shedding all those heated up tears... But you know, Mother, things aren't the same anymore, back then I had some sense left somewhere in my head, now, not anymore... I don't even feel like crying... I don't even think crying would make me feel any better like before... It's really different this time... This time I feel like my feelings were snatched away... I don't think I'll find them anymore...
Now I know what 'hopeless' means...

1 thoughts:

PrimaDonna said...
September 28, 2010 at 9:48 PM

Have you tried talking to her? I'm sure she doesn't want you to be miserable :( , I'm sorry things are turning for the worst but its just a phase inshalla. I know how it feels to have those closest to you seem to be turning they're back on you. But I'm sure there's an explanation. In the meantime...Why not get out of the house for a bit? Try a change. A new crowd? A new hobby?

Good luck Hun.

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