Just Like That

I remember... I used to be the only one showering mom with all the love, hugs, and kisses... Everyday... and everyday... Lots of love, just for my beloved mom... All of that until last year, when she stopped believing in me... When all her dreams about me being the trust-worthy one seemed to crash to the wall... Why? Because it's easier for her to blame others for the 'many' mistakes, problems, and issues in her life...
However... Today was really different... Today she asked me to kiss her... It was like she needed my love... It was like only my love would make her live with the current problems... Suddenly, I got this electrical sting in my heart... And my heart really hurt; not because she needed love, but because I was too cruel to have thought that she deserved no love from me... I wanted to slap myself... Probably even shoot myself with a gun... How could I be so senseless? selfish? cruel? mean? and stingy? I mean, where was I this whole year when mom needed love? when she couldn't find it in her stingy other offspring, siblings, or mother? I wish there was a rewind button, so that I can replace the past months with ones full of love, care, and compassion...
What shocked me even more, and broke my heart into pieces, is that after kissing her hand, she hurriedly grabbed my hand and kissed it, and then she told me I was like her kidneys... Meaning, I am extremely important and vital to her being... I held my tears, so that I would keep my heart masked... It was really hard to give that babyish smile I usually gave in the old days... It was really hard... I'm happy but sad at the same time... My heart wants to break and mend soon after... Just like that...