And it's always not enough...

Until this day, where parents agree that they're supposed to treat their boys and girls equally, do we find these parents carry more care for the male offspring. It breaks my heart to see such distant looks in my parents' eyes while talking to or about me. While I see how their eyes sparkle and widen when talking about my brothers. Why is it that I feel like I'm a burden to my parents? Everyday I feel it, and everytime I do, my heart squeezes harder and harder...
I think even my shouting won't do! What will do? I have no idea at all. I've been thinking and thinking deeply of how to be equal with my brothers in my parents' hearts... I can't endure it, for I love my parents so deeply, I can't see that they feel less towards me. I feel unwanted and pressured! It's stuck in my throat, I need to blurt it out! It's suffocating! Every beat squeezes a sour feeling through my veins; like I've been poisoned!
Long ago when my mother would feel so sad and miserable, I would be the only daughter that would comfort her and lend her my love, care, and power. I would make her feel the best mother. I would even make her think that there is yet more to life than just this sadness... She would be so pleased with me, and she would show me how thankful she is toward me... Yet all of this would disappear the next day... For her instinctive thoughts and feelings will bring her back to where we started... She would throw words - or stabs - on me about how I wronged my brothers, about how I don't deserve to live the way I do... She would just continue breaking my heart into pieces that can't be put together again... She makes me hate myself, the way I look, and the way I think...
My mother was the most person to break my heart so harshly... Actually, in this world, no one has ever thought of breaking my heart the way my mother did... The problem is that I can't stop loving her, because the more she hurts me the more I feel the need of a mother's passion, warmth, love, and care... And it's always not enough...

4 thoughts:

She's Enigma said...
March 31, 2009 at 11:14 AM

no one breaks someone or build them up like family

i'm so sorry ur going through this :S

Chinese Eyes said...
March 31, 2009 at 4:16 PM

Make a vow to yourself that you'll be the best you know how to be.You know you truly deserve better than that. Take all the feelings you have, the anger sadness and disappointment, change it into something that would work for you. Writing would really help you. And trust me you won't regret starting a blog. Sometimes talking to complete stranger makes you feel better. And If nothings changes and it doesn't seem enough to them at all. You start proving yourself for yourself. I hope things would work to the better.

xx

..::Amu::.. said...
April 2, 2009 at 9:54 AM

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through! I know how that feels cuz we are in the same boat!

RainDrop said...
April 7, 2009 at 10:16 PM

weird how u can easily find ppl who go thru the same things u go thru, or at least something similar.. i love mum and i know she loves me, never doubted that.. but guess what? lol i wish it's my brothers or sisters am competing with.. hehe it's my husband.. oh ya, he's her nephew, and even when he raised his hand to "try" and hit me on our first week , yep, first week after we got married, she stood by his side. Didnt think for one second that am a girl alone with a monster in a foreign country. She didnt think of comforting me, or scolding him or whatever, nope she told me to suck it up and move on cuz as she says that's the "devil" making me feel that way. and she told him to bear with me cuz am a hard case, yep me her own daughter who was an A student all thru school, who was a model student loved by teachers and students, who ppl totally respect, now am the hard case and he is the angel in the deal.. =D i told her eventually, that one day she's gonna realize who wrong she is and she's gonna regret it. Cuz i've been tolerating a lot of shit from her thru my childhood, teenagehood and adulthood with a smile on my face and a very forgiving heart, and mind. One day she's gonna realize that, but when that day is gonna come it's gonna b too late cuz my heart would turn into stone. I will always always always love her, but i'll never be the same ever again.. =)

so ya, life is kinda crappy, but hey it's up to u to b the person who u wanna be and am proud of who i am. I built myself and became who i am ow that's enough ;)

xoxo

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