And it's always not enough...

Until this day, where parents agree that they're supposed to treat their boys and girls equally, do we find these parents carry more care for the male offspring. It breaks my heart to see such distant looks in my parents' eyes while talking to or about me. While I see how their eyes sparkle and widen when talking about my brothers. Why is it that I feel like I'm a burden to my parents? Everyday I feel it, and everytime I do, my heart squeezes harder and harder...
I think even my shouting won't do! What will do? I have no idea at all. I've been thinking and thinking deeply of how to be equal with my brothers in my parents' hearts... I can't endure it, for I love my parents so deeply, I can't see that they feel less towards me. I feel unwanted and pressured! It's stuck in my throat, I need to blurt it out! It's suffocating! Every beat squeezes a sour feeling through my veins; like I've been poisoned!
Long ago when my mother would feel so sad and miserable, I would be the only daughter that would comfort her and lend her my love, care, and power. I would make her feel the best mother. I would even make her think that there is yet more to life than just this sadness... She would be so pleased with me, and she would show me how thankful she is toward me... Yet all of this would disappear the next day... For her instinctive thoughts and feelings will bring her back to where we started... She would throw words - or stabs - on me about how I wronged my brothers, about how I don't deserve to live the way I do... She would just continue breaking my heart into pieces that can't be put together again... She makes me hate myself, the way I look, and the way I think...
My mother was the most person to break my heart so harshly... Actually, in this world, no one has ever thought of breaking my heart the way my mother did... The problem is that I can't stop loving her, because the more she hurts me the more I feel the need of a mother's passion, warmth, love, and care... And it's always not enough...