Eternal Road

Sometimes I feel good, and other times I feel bad.
Sometimes I'm exhilarated, and other times I'm sad.
When it's freezing, I feel like sitting on the shore.
Whatever happens, there's always some more.
When I search for ups, life gives me dreadful downs,
whether at the tops, or down amongst the towns.
Sad is my desperate being, sad is my thirsty soul.
Lost between fiends and whatever black and foul.
I need light, I need colors, and no more load,
to see clearly while walking through that eternal road.

Buckle Up & Fight!

This time I decided to FIGHT! this decision came after some really deep thought... I came to a conclusion that this life is a fierce battle... I have to be a warrior, for this ground is shaky, unstable, and dirty. First, I need to fight myself. What do I really aim in this life? Who's really important to me? Whom do I need to treasure the most? Set up my goals, and put them between my eyes. Then I should fight my society; especially those close-minded members. I need to be aware that all dogs bark, whether in my presence or not; and sweet-talking is putting lipstick on a pig.
After that, I should fight my enemies, because I need to clear out the road in front of me, to head straight to my goal. I can't afford stumbling on filth. I will stand up against all haters, and be proud of all my beliefs, because this place is neither foul nor fair. Everyone has a sword deep inside of their souls. Some are sheathed, and some are drawn out in the face of injustice! My sword was waiting eagerly to be drawn out, and I've made it wait too long... Now is the time to buckle up and fight!

It Makes The Living Lonely As Hell

Everyday someone dies, lives, gets married, gets divorced, and is born to this universe. However it's always someone not close to me. It's something I hear about every single day and night. On the other hand, I've never experienced any; not death, marriage, divorce, and living after being ill. The only thing I've been through is being born to this world, and unfortunately I can't remember that... These things make me feel like I live in a bubble, so vulnerable to being popped by the death angel, fortune, and fate.
Grandpa died few years ago, but I did not feel that miserable and devastated, because he was already in his 90's. Yesterday three of my relatives died in a car accident. I know by now they're dead, but something inside of me cannot accept the fact that they're not in this world anymore, it's just not getting into my brain... That shows how humans have limited brain capacities. I've only teared a bit, still did not get that slap straight on to my cheek... Something is wrong... My world is short of three human beings. I feel incomplete.
My back feels hot in the middle and very cold on the sides. My eyes just wander and try to solve this unlocking mystery. I can't believe it, I won't believe it, I do not need to believe it. She was really proud of her son. He just graduated from college. She just got her new job and was extremely happy about it. Three people do make a difference. Even half a person does. Death is ugly... Black... Blurry... Repulsive... and most importantly, it makes the living lonely as hell...

Too Late For This Heart To Recover

What makes me angrier is that mom would do anything for my brother. She is ready to make it all white and clean with me just so that brother won't sense any family issues... This makes me really miserable... My tears are so blunt, they keep falling without a signal... Why is it that I'm not as important as he is? I'm so jealous I can cut myself with my claws... Every time she torments me I decide that I'm better off without her. But COME ONE! She's My Mother! I can't just not communicate with her, what would God think about me?! That I'm nothing more but a selfish jerk that has to go to hell, and furthermore, to deep hell?! Burn lil girl! Burn and taste the consequences of your actions! That's what you get for acting so high and mighty towards your own mother!
I don't know what to do! She keeps haunting me! I'm really sad, why does she do that?! Why can't she understand that her lil girl is not only made of some flesh and bones... I have a heart that is more than tired of this life... Sometimes it beats and other times it takes some rest... It's getting smaller with time, because my dear mom it's starting to give up on you and the life you're in. My dear mom, this heart remembers all the words of encouragements you have given, it wants to beat faster and grow healthier, but then my dear mom, it starts to remember that what you did was just the opposite of what you said, that's why it's giving up. My dear mom it's too late for this heart to recover...

Camouflage

I needed a camouflage for my hideous and repulsive pain... So, as it was raining intensely and heavily, I ran outside to grab some quality time under the rain... I decided to relief some of the squeezing and throbbing pain that was inside of me, aching and stinging all the time... So , I let my pain pour through my tear ducts in disguise of raindrops dashing out and running with the rain... Now I'm all safe, my grief and sorrow are undercover, and I shall forever suffer in silence and without an uproar...

The King of Them All...

As I was realizing how harsh I was on you for abandoning me,
my heart vessels contracted and blood flow was obstructed...
Yes, I can really feel the pain in my chest, this pain is malignant.
My eyes seem to wander into nowhere, it's like breathing was restricted, too..
I don't want to see anyone... I'm in pain and it's stuck in my throat...
I am choking on my own pain... Pain beyond another pain...
It's like a never ending story of a heart with abnormal rhythms.. .
I used to think we all had the same way of thinking...
However, as I grew older I realized none of us were the same...
And this difference really caused me even greater pain...
Because we were unable to understand & communicate with each other...
It's really hard for me... I can't even seek help from my friend...
I do not want to burden her, knowing that she has her own hard times, too...
Why is this world so complicated... I want to cry heavily!
But I know that even crying would never compensate the pain I'm going through...
Every time I close my eyes, I feel the pain in the muscles surrounding them...
Heat, agony, and acidity... Even toxins are flowing in my blood...
Poisoning my body, and the king of them all... My heart...

Seeing Him Made My Heart Warm & Tingly

A parent is not a parent just by simply sharing the same genes as the child's.
Just like how a friend is not a friend just by hanging out together all the time.
I've went through partial child neglect.
I've been deprived from my brother's love and support.
I need a brother's love.
Because of that, I started having feelings for my brother.
I think I have a sister-brother complex.
In my head I made a world where I had many brothers.
Each brother would give me the love and support I needed.
And I would be proud of them, just like a little kid.
This is a really weird phase I'm going through.
I've never imagined experiencing all these feelings.
However, suddenly one day I met this amazing person.
And all of a sudden I realized my face was turning red, and my heart was beating so fast.
I realized I've grown deep and passionate feelings for that person.
However, these feelings are one-sided.
I became a stalker for that person.
I was stalking because I was searching for the 'thing' my heart needed the most.
Just seeing him made my heart all warm and tingly.
I get this sweet buttery feeling leaving the vessels of my heart and running throughout my body.
I smile like a stupid person when I'm alone and beside others.
I've replaced my brother with this person.
I hope one day that person will be aware of my presence and feelings.
I'm really grateful for his existence.

To Fall In Love...

I wanna know how it feels to fall in love...
Everyone says it's the most amazing feeling one can go through...
Since I'm so down, I think I do need to feel the most amazing feeling...
They say you'd forget everything for 'that' someone...
I also heard that your world would only be around 'that' person...
I want to have a very important person...
I want to fall, trip, drown, and grow in that love...
They say that love appears to be like a dream...
With me, I want it to be REAL...
I want to know how it feels when your heart melts...
how it feels when your heart breaks apart after a fight...
how it feels when you wanna see that someone so bad...
how it feels when you think about nothing but that person...
how it feels when that someone appears to be the light in your darkness...
the water in your desert...
the air in your lungs...
the beat of your heart...
the sponge to your pain...
the world in your eyes...
the dream in your sleep...
the strength in your life...
Oh! How sentimental that sounds...
I wanna know how it feels to fall in love...

I'm Lost In The World of Pride...

Maybe we're destined not to love each other when we're close to each other...
Maybe I'll love you only when I miss you...
I wanna see you, but I know that when I do I'm going to make you angry again...
I was just imagining myself making a phone call to your cell-phone...
And suddenly all my heated up tears started falling with my squeezed heart...
I can't do it... I won't do it... & I need to do it...
You confuse me... I need you... You need me...
But 'Pride' always overtakes the green flag...
I wish I hadn't had much pride...
I wish you hadn't had much pride...
I'm lost in the world of pride...
I want to tell you that I'm sorry...
I'm really sorry for not giving attention to your petty heart...
I'm really sorry for seeing you break apart...
But you should know, that whatever the circumstances, I will ALWAYS love you...
From the very depth of my heart, under that soil, in these hardcore chambers, love is overwhelming...
I can't do anything but stand and stare at you moving on...
Without me... & because of me...

What A Painful Sound To Witness...

Why is it that you keep haunting me?
Everywhere and Anywhere I go...
You're always there...
In my dreams, and my screams...
Can't you give it a rest?!
I don't want to see you..
I don't want to miss you..
I don't want someone like you..
However..
As much as I do not want you, I want you so bad...
I cannot imagine a life without you..
Cannot imagine breathing without you..
You are troublesome to my heart...
You bother me a lot.. But you're not an eyesore..
You are something I cannot describe no matter how much I try..
Haven't seen you for two weeks..
It seems like two years..
I keep thinking about you...
In the morning and at night...
I do not want to see you, because I will remember the pain...
That hideous pain you caused to my vulnerable little heart...
I do not want to remember that...
If you listened to my heart beat...
You would hear a strange story..
About a little girl who missed her mother so bad...
But didn't wanna see her at the same time..
You would listen to the sounds of my heart aching..
and aching.. and aching..
What a painful sound to witness...