Leave Me ALONE!

Everyone's been so harsh on me lately...
I spend a lot of time thinking of how to please my family,
in return of my favor I got stabs all over me, not only on my back...
My heart feels so ill, tired, and miserable.
I can feel the arrhythmias occurring with every beat.
I'm holding my tears... I can't afford them falling...
It's been a long time since I was this weak,
I can remember the feeling of being so weak like it was yesterday,
and I know I do not want to experience that all over again...
Holding myself back, anger arises and I just feel like cursing...
But I won't, I can't curse, because sadly they are the most precious people...
I feel so agonized, my brain hurts from all the thinking...
My eyes are flaming, but I don't want to break again,
because fixing myself is really difficult...
Every time I build myself, someone I love will come to destroy me...
Just leave me ALONE!!! I don't need anymore drama!
I've had enough!

Hopeless

I seriously think that one day I'll end up waking breathless, crazy, and with no sense of direction... I even think I'll end up in a maniac hospital with no hope of returning home... Yes, I'm losing it, slowly, slowly... My nerve cells are fading... Why? I wish it was physiological, but no, it's psychological...
So who's behind all this mess? I think you've guessed right... That same old person... That abusive same old person... That selfish same old person... That irritating same old person... Mother, you're killing your own daughter... You're metaphorically holding a hammer and squashing her skull and brain... Mother, I LOVE you and I HATE you at the same time... I love you for the old nice memories you've given me... I hate you for making me lose control over everything... Do you really enjoy seeing me in this mess? Do you really think what you're doing is going to help? Did you ever consider that this is only making things worse?! Do you even think at all?!
I seriously just want to grab any close dagger and stab myself straight into my heart, or hold a pistol and point to my brain then shoot... Every time, Mother, when you put me in these situations, I'd end up under my blanket with my room locked shedding all those heated up tears... But you know, Mother, things aren't the same anymore, back then I had some sense left somewhere in my head, now, not anymore... I don't even feel like crying... I don't even think crying would make me feel any better like before... It's really different this time... This time I feel like my feelings were snatched away... I don't think I'll find them anymore...
Now I know what 'hopeless' means...

A Bit Brighter, & Darker

This heart is so passionate...
So complicated.. So troubled...
So childish.. So mature..
Feelings mixed with other feelings...
Why should I get so troubled with such feelings...
If this heart was apathetic, then my life would make more sense...
All my thoughts, are driven out by this heart...
This little organ that keeps beating with all its power..
This little thing that strives for life...
This tiny flesh that started wars and made peace...
This pacemaker that fights for love and is fought for...
It's just something that makes this universe a bit brighter..
And a bit darker...

It's Happening Anyways

I try to save her
She wants to drown even more
I give up on her
She's going too far
I try to reach her hands again
She slips away like water
I love her
She loves me
I try to take her pain away
She loves feeling pain
I'm lost and hurt and in pain
She does not even ask
I'm too kind
She's too cruel
I fainted today in the shower
She does not ask if I'm feeling well
I'm neutral
She's going down
I don't want to see that
It's happening anyways

Just Like That

I remember... I used to be the only one showering mom with all the love, hugs, and kisses... Everyday... and everyday... Lots of love, just for my beloved mom... All of that until last year, when she stopped believing in me... When all her dreams about me being the trust-worthy one seemed to crash to the wall... Why? Because it's easier for her to blame others for the 'many' mistakes, problems, and issues in her life...
However... Today was really different... Today she asked me to kiss her... It was like she needed my love... It was like only my love would make her live with the current problems... Suddenly, I got this electrical sting in my heart... And my heart really hurt; not because she needed love, but because I was too cruel to have thought that she deserved no love from me... I wanted to slap myself... Probably even shoot myself with a gun... How could I be so senseless? selfish? cruel? mean? and stingy? I mean, where was I this whole year when mom needed love? when she couldn't find it in her stingy other offspring, siblings, or mother? I wish there was a rewind button, so that I can replace the past months with ones full of love, care, and compassion...
What shocked me even more, and broke my heart into pieces, is that after kissing her hand, she hurriedly grabbed my hand and kissed it, and then she told me I was like her kidneys... Meaning, I am extremely important and vital to her being... I held my tears, so that I would keep my heart masked... It was really hard to give that babyish smile I usually gave in the old days... It was really hard... I'm happy but sad at the same time... My heart wants to break and mend soon after... Just like that...

Eternal Road

Sometimes I feel good, and other times I feel bad.
Sometimes I'm exhilarated, and other times I'm sad.
When it's freezing, I feel like sitting on the shore.
Whatever happens, there's always some more.
When I search for ups, life gives me dreadful downs,
whether at the tops, or down amongst the towns.
Sad is my desperate being, sad is my thirsty soul.
Lost between fiends and whatever black and foul.
I need light, I need colors, and no more load,
to see clearly while walking through that eternal road.

Buckle Up & Fight!

This time I decided to FIGHT! this decision came after some really deep thought... I came to a conclusion that this life is a fierce battle... I have to be a warrior, for this ground is shaky, unstable, and dirty. First, I need to fight myself. What do I really aim in this life? Who's really important to me? Whom do I need to treasure the most? Set up my goals, and put them between my eyes. Then I should fight my society; especially those close-minded members. I need to be aware that all dogs bark, whether in my presence or not; and sweet-talking is putting lipstick on a pig.
After that, I should fight my enemies, because I need to clear out the road in front of me, to head straight to my goal. I can't afford stumbling on filth. I will stand up against all haters, and be proud of all my beliefs, because this place is neither foul nor fair. Everyone has a sword deep inside of their souls. Some are sheathed, and some are drawn out in the face of injustice! My sword was waiting eagerly to be drawn out, and I've made it wait too long... Now is the time to buckle up and fight!

It Makes The Living Lonely As Hell

Everyday someone dies, lives, gets married, gets divorced, and is born to this universe. However it's always someone not close to me. It's something I hear about every single day and night. On the other hand, I've never experienced any; not death, marriage, divorce, and living after being ill. The only thing I've been through is being born to this world, and unfortunately I can't remember that... These things make me feel like I live in a bubble, so vulnerable to being popped by the death angel, fortune, and fate.
Grandpa died few years ago, but I did not feel that miserable and devastated, because he was already in his 90's. Yesterday three of my relatives died in a car accident. I know by now they're dead, but something inside of me cannot accept the fact that they're not in this world anymore, it's just not getting into my brain... That shows how humans have limited brain capacities. I've only teared a bit, still did not get that slap straight on to my cheek... Something is wrong... My world is short of three human beings. I feel incomplete.
My back feels hot in the middle and very cold on the sides. My eyes just wander and try to solve this unlocking mystery. I can't believe it, I won't believe it, I do not need to believe it. She was really proud of her son. He just graduated from college. She just got her new job and was extremely happy about it. Three people do make a difference. Even half a person does. Death is ugly... Black... Blurry... Repulsive... and most importantly, it makes the living lonely as hell...

Too Late For This Heart To Recover

What makes me angrier is that mom would do anything for my brother. She is ready to make it all white and clean with me just so that brother won't sense any family issues... This makes me really miserable... My tears are so blunt, they keep falling without a signal... Why is it that I'm not as important as he is? I'm so jealous I can cut myself with my claws... Every time she torments me I decide that I'm better off without her. But COME ONE! She's My Mother! I can't just not communicate with her, what would God think about me?! That I'm nothing more but a selfish jerk that has to go to hell, and furthermore, to deep hell?! Burn lil girl! Burn and taste the consequences of your actions! That's what you get for acting so high and mighty towards your own mother!
I don't know what to do! She keeps haunting me! I'm really sad, why does she do that?! Why can't she understand that her lil girl is not only made of some flesh and bones... I have a heart that is more than tired of this life... Sometimes it beats and other times it takes some rest... It's getting smaller with time, because my dear mom it's starting to give up on you and the life you're in. My dear mom, this heart remembers all the words of encouragements you have given, it wants to beat faster and grow healthier, but then my dear mom, it starts to remember that what you did was just the opposite of what you said, that's why it's giving up. My dear mom it's too late for this heart to recover...

Camouflage

I needed a camouflage for my hideous and repulsive pain... So, as it was raining intensely and heavily, I ran outside to grab some quality time under the rain... I decided to relief some of the squeezing and throbbing pain that was inside of me, aching and stinging all the time... So , I let my pain pour through my tear ducts in disguise of raindrops dashing out and running with the rain... Now I'm all safe, my grief and sorrow are undercover, and I shall forever suffer in silence and without an uproar...