Please Don't Break What I Build

Please don't break what I build...
I don't have much brain cells to think of better ways to make things work...
I don't have much energy to collect the broken pieces...
I don't have much soul to endure anything any longer...
Please don't break what I build...

Such Hopeless Cases

It's very funny how people always expect you to initiate matters when they don't even bother doing that... And when you don't initiate matters they get mad at you... It's so funny indeed...
They disrespect you, but when it comes to apologizing, they expect you to do that... Even though it's them who are wrong... And when you do not apologize for something you didn't do, they get hurt and start all the drama... It's a funny world I live in...
They cut you off of their lives but then go around saying stuff like it's 'you' who cut them off... Like WHAT is happening here? Are the roles reversed now? I'm starting to lose hope in people's sanity... Bunch of dramatic lunatics... More like schizophrenics...
Nothing makes me laugh like that person who tells everyone to be the good person and solve issues with people, when they themselves don't do that, not even once... I kinda feel like laughing my gut out these days... What is happening to people? Very delusional indeed... I don't even think there's a sane method for approaching such people... Such hopeless cases...

What Would Happen To Me Then?!

Today I'm just not feeling okay...

I keep thinking if I ever saw you in front of me, coincidentally...

Could be in a mall, at my family's house, or beside my car on the road...

I don't know what would happen to me...

To my heart...

To my pulse...

To my brain...

Before I loved you so deeply - I have to admit - I have seen you twice, coincidentally...

Once in the emergency room, and the other time in the mall...

Even before I grew such intense feelings for you, when I saw you these couple of times, I actually froze in my place...

Couldn't move...

Couldn't blink...

Couldn't breathe...

What would happen to me now?

After I have nurtured such deep feelings for you...

After I have watered these feelings with my continuous involuntary daily thoughts of you...

What would happen to me?

It really scares me... Shakes me...

It's been a year already since I last saw you...

I want to see you, but it freaks me out...

I get hot and cold at the same time...

My extremities start to tingle and hurt...

My heart races like mad!

I'm afraid this uneasiness is getting to me...

All of this would happen if I saw you...

Then, what would happen to me if you told me what your heart wanted to say?!

What would happen to me then?!

I Hate How I Lost You Forever

I think by now you've lost me forever.
I'll never be on your side again.
I'll never look at you the same way I used to.
You will never look at me the same way you used to.
I will always want us to be happy together.
But this will never happen.
You have crossed the line in losing faith in me.
I can't trust you anymore.
I won't trust you again.
I hate how you make up stories in your head.
I hate how you believe these stories.
I hate how you get the nerve to tell me these false stories.
I hate how you accuse me of things I never said.
I hate how you never say what I want you to say.
I hate how I can never be true to you ever again.
You will never understand the problem that lies within you.
I will never be able to explain to you what's wrong with you.
You will never listen to me even if I tried.
So I will not try and just be mad at you.
You will stay mad at me.
We will hate each other.
You will never understand why I don't do what you want me to do.
You will never know what is really important to me and what is not.
You will never acknowledge how much you hurt me.
My tears hate falling because of you.
They will never fall, because you will never even care.
You always have your way of saying what you want.
I never have my way of saying what I want.
You always force yourself on me thinking it's "okay" because you're older.
You will never understand how hateful this is to me.
I'm so used to your methods of deceiving me that it's not working anymore.
You're getting crazy because nothing is shaking me anymore.
I will never abide by your rules.
You will never get what you want anymore.
We will always hate that we hate each other.
Our hearts will always stay broken.
We will never try to fix things again.
We both lost this match.
I hate how I lost you forever.

Stop Suffocating Me

Dear Mother,

Don't think just because you're telling me what I'm allowed to do & what I'm not allowed to do means you're a mother.
A real mother would come talk to her child, ask about what they're doing, what they're eating, how they're sleeping at night...
A real mother would figure out something smart when her child is secretly having a problem..
A real mother wouldn't talk aggressively to her child every time she wanted.. She would try to solve problems instead of making new ones... And would stop blaming her child for their misfortune...
A real mother wouldn't spend everyday comparing her child to other children, would give her child a chance to give an explanation, and wouldn't try adding more stone to her child's heavy weighted shoulders...
Stop putting your claws into my heart and tearing it apart whenever you want to...
Stop doing all this and coming to me at the end asking why I'm pulling myself away...
Stop hurting and hurting and hurting me...
I don't love you anymore... I wouldn't take a bullet for you anymore... I won't pray for you anymore... I wouldn't ask about you anymore...
All what I'm feeling right now, dear mother, is thanks to your very well done work... You deserve everything that is coming towards you...
You're mean, selfish, rash, judgmental, close-minded, controlling, and two-faced...
I never want to become a mother like you... You are literally the worst example of a mother... I don't want you in my life anymore... Stop forcing your unworthy presence in my life... Can't you realize how much of a bad influence you have on me?! Can't you figure out that everything you do is making me a worse person than I used to be?! Can't you give it a break & stop expecting me to be your slave pet?!
Go away & let me be.... Let me breathe air... Stop suffocating me!!!!...

Embrace Me With Your All, Be Ready To Give It All

Next time you see me, let your heart skip a beat.
See my soul through my eyes, talk to me with no sound.
Know that I AM that person you desire.
I AM that fantasy, that reality.
I AM your air, your water, and your Earth.
I AM that land of peace, love, and happiness.
Touch my hands, feel my warm blood.
Rub my head, smell my hair, and kiss my forehead.
Next time you see me, lose your mind.
Travel to lalaland, skip in the world of butterflies.
Know that I AM your drug, your only medication.
Embrace me with your all, be ready to give it all.

Mommy Let Me Fly

Mommy let me fly...
You broke my wings, what else do you want?
That is not a good way to protect your offspring...
Let me go out there, make mistakes, learn, and grow...
I want to experience life mom...
I want to fall in love like any other bird...
Stop pushing me to the corner...
Stop pushing people away from me...
I want to be touched, felt, and dreamt about...
Stop pulling me away from the outside world...
Mommy I have dreams...
Very colorful ones...
Don't take them away from me...
I have nothing else to grab onto...
I want to go out there have friends and plant trees...
I want to do something for this world mom...
I wasn't born just to eat and sleep...
I can't take without giving something back...
Mommy take me to the doctor...
Let the doctor fix my wings...
I need to fly mom...
I need to experience life mom...
Mommy let me fly...

Please Don't Break My Heart Again

Please don't break my heart again...
Every time you break my heart,
I take a lot of time trying to collect all the pieces,
and then try to mend them back together...
Please don't break my heart again...
This time if you do, I might break forever...
I might even stop existing anymore...
Please don't break my heart again...
I'm too tired to feel anymore pain,
these sad little chambers pump with agony...
I don't want to suffer anymore,
I don't want to hurt and ache anymore...
Please don't break my heart again...
I know you will, but I just don't want to think about it...
For I hold great love for you and your presence...
Don't do that thing you always do,
Getting angry and start doing things you regret later on...
Please don't break my heart again...

Never Mend Again

I've been thinking lately to talk with a psychologist...
Or a psychiatrist...
Whatever you wanna call it...
I need a solution with my mother...
I literally can't take it in anymore...
I feel like bursting like popcorn...
Sometimes at night I wake up for no reason...
And I just can't sleep again...
Because when I try, all my brain does is think about mom...
I'm in deep mess...
She even told me not to call her 'Mom'...
I can't imagine the reasons that would make a mother act in this way with her children...
There simply are no reasons...
She always points out that I'm the one who is mistaken...
I realized she never blamed herself for anything...
I wish something will make her heart less frozen and cold...
Perhaps me dying would make her warmer and motherly...
She's ruthless... Merciless... Brutal...
I'll never recover, and my heart will never mend again...

Walls Are Still Up

Sometimes we build walls to see who cares enough to break these walls down...
But when days, weeks, and months pass by, and the wall is still up, you just feel so unwanted and blue.
That is exactly how I feel.
It really breaks my heart to see that no one cares enough to break them down.
It makes me feel unwanted, rejected, undesirable, and useless.
It makes me believe that even if I died it wouldn't matter to anyone.
It's like I'm living this life uselessly.
Is it because maybe perhaps I'm stubborn, or obsessed with testing people?!
I don't think so... Even if I do it in my head, I don't really show it externally...
So, if you put yourself in my place, what would you do?
I think you would've committed suicide long ago.